xanga, my friend

so i just read every blog i've ever written, from the start of this myspace, which goes back to somewhere .. about halfway ish through eighth grade. not even. basically, 3 years ago. maybe, 2 and a half. which is really a very long time, considering i've only been living for 16 years. plus, so much has happened in this period.

you know, it is around this point in time, every year, that i feel this way. that i do not like who i've become, or rather, who i am becoming, i suppose. at the beginning of ninth grade, i felt i had become such a fake bitch. which, i actually was not, not really. i was just growing up. at the beginning of tenth grade, i felt as if i no longer cared for anything that once meant so much to me. again, false. i cared so much that it ached me, i only didn't know how to go back to it.

and now, come junior year, i am feeling it again, as if i am the wrong kind of person in every aspect. though, i cannot place specifically what is so wrong with me this time around. i think it's because i've come to hate myself in every way possible. i'm a total flirt, and bitch, to every guy i know, for the most part. i no longer care to talk about anything substantial with any guy, because as i see them, they are just there to tell jokes, make me smile, make me feel good. i'm not trying for friendship. is it because having best friends that are male never seems to work out? no, it's merely because i'm not interested. i don't care now to have guy friends. i just don't. and i've become so intensely bitchy and fake that it scares me. i laugh, i smile, i'm friendly, but sarcasm has overtaken funny, and shit talking has become routine. i'm irritable, hypocritical, and rude. i don't speak with respect towards adults, nor friends. and the worst part is, i don't really give a damn. if i go out, i go out, but i'm not seeking out invites. if people pull away, i'm not even trying to hold out a hand. when people tell me their problems, i nod sympathetically, but i'm somewhere else entirely.

i'm at breaking point, and i think i'm about to melt down. i'm overloaded with work, mainly to distract me from the fact that i've become a horrible person, but it's failing. what it's done is push me past my limit, and highlight my worst attributes.

and to top it all off, he doesn't get it. i tell him life sucks, and he says, "aw, poor thing." and thinks that that will fix it all. but he doesn't realize that him leaving pulled the ground out from under my feet, and i'm hanging on by faint hope. i don't need anyone else to understand but him. i haven't told anyone else but him. and he's probably the only one who could make me feel better, but he won't. he won't say what i need to hear, not because it isn't true, but because.. well, i don't know why, and that is what kills me. i need to know what is so damn difficult about saying what we both already know.

<33 goodbye

if i was emo i would have taken a knife to my wrist and downed a few bottles of antidepressants by now.

mmph.

life is good, life is great, life is unbelievable.

no, not really, those are just lyrics from a sugar ray song from a CD of theirs that i used to really like. how amazing would it be if those lyrics actually described life. as if. but as it is, i'm stuck in another one of those ruts, those ruts that you can't really get in or out of without something impacting you. what got me into it? him leaving. it pushed me into this rut. i just.. don't care anymore. not about school, family, friends, nada. i don't need to go out, or do well. but that isn't to say i'm done doing it, no, i'm not one of those suicidal types who go to death merely out of boredom. but, as it is, i just.. have nothing to do. false, actually, i have lots to do. school, activities, etc. but i'm doing these things simply to do them, not out of motivation to do well, but just so i have something to do until i can get the hell out of here. would i like to not feel like this? absolutely. i'd love to love life. it's the best way to do things, i must say. only, i'll need that push to get me out of this rut, & i just don't know right now what that great push is going to be. all i know is, i need it, & i need it soon, because i'm running low on energy and i can't find a charger for my batteries.

<33

stay in touch forever
meet up after highschool
drive down the autoban [sp?]
go snorkeling in hawaii
stay in a five star hotel
go to st. louis [idk why]
travel around europe
get married and have 3 kids, not 2
live in a big white house
get a hypoallergenic cat
have lots of earplugs handy =P

making fun of each other for being stupid & uncool & having no friends.
being each other's best friends since forever & a half.
people always telling us we were bound to get together.
saying, "you love me", "you miss me", etc. before we dated.
"who do you like?", enough said.
sitting next to each other in Lit class last year.
my birthday, playing cards, summer hangouts.
tents, sneaking out, getting arrested.
being grounded & sneaking around between football & drama just to be together.
your house, "i love you", just laying there together.
your house, no one home, stuff, haha <3
you teaching me things that i pretend i don't want to know, but really, i do.
your cat, your house, your momma, your bed, you.
me threatening constantly to steal your cat & your bed & your house.
chilling on my couches watching movies all day long.
"four months and forever" & every present you gave me.
frosting & truffles, & chocolates, & LENT!
PB&J on a tortilla, after, well, you know.
that one time when tori gave you a dog treat LMAO, sorry.
"deep conversations" & "I'm so _______."
battleship & starwars monopoly, blair witch project, not another teen movie, etc.
FE yearbook: planes, bed, dates, classes, aquarium, fun.
homecoming! bonfire, prince & princess. walking down the field.
dinner w/ your parents & the dance <3 good good night
minesweeper, haha. i've still not beaten expert.

anyway, it's bed time for jackie, so i'm not finished, not in the least. but the point of this is, mainly,

don't forget me.